This is my second trip to Greenville Avenue for St. Patrick’s Day, and the first year was a rousing success. A few tips, should you decided to trudge across the Lovers Lane overpass.
1. Wear your tallest possible shoes. There’s no way to catch Jell-O shots from a float if you’re flat on your heels. It’s simple geometry, people.
2. Bring a backpack. Nearly every size backpack can fit at least 18 beers. That will last you until noon.
3. Do not put liquor in a Camelback. I made this mistake once in high school, and my water wasted like thinned Long Island Iced Teas for a year.
4. Put liquor in a Camelback. Come to think of it, that wasn’t as terrible as it sounded.
5. Do not wear a shirt. Because what if you catch one of those free shirts a radio station will inevitably toss out? Then you’d have two shirts. Embarassing!
6. Roll deep. No explanation necessary.
7. Shy away from seafood. This is a land animals holiday, for many reasons.
8. Bring a copy of Park Cities People. It can be used as a: seat, weapon, hat, makeshift shirt (if you don’t catch a free one and followed tip #5), fire-starter or time-killer.
9. Rest up. You shouldn’t even be reading this right now. Go to sleep.
10. Disregard everything you just read and stay home. It might rain.